My Angel
by BananaBitch
Summary: Collins effort to live right after Angel's death.


Time was atrocious. It seemed that all I could think about was Angel. Why him, my love? Why couldn't god have chosen to take someone else? He was utterly despicable. Pain filled me to the core. I couldn't even bear to sleep at night, the nightmares scarred me. I was dying, but time slowed for me. Why couldn't He have taken me instead? Maybe then I wouldn't know this horrible anguish at the loss of Angel. I couldn't even bear to be with my friends.

The funeral sticks in my head, Mimi's eulogy in particular. How could her word's be the truth? I couldn't comprehend it.

_'Angel Dumott Schunard was an incredible person. We'd met in the first grade, and it was like, instant BFF. If Angel ever had a problem, he'd come to me with it, and vice versa. If you think about it really hard, Angel has many layers, kind of like an onion. Angel was sweet, but when we were younger, Angel was such a badass; he made Roger look like a saint. I know what you're thinking, but it's true. There was this time where he actually beat up a teacher._

_It was second hour social studies with Mr. Pascal, and we were studying the Spanish-American War. Now, I don't want to be disrespectful to the man, but he was talking shit about Mexicans. It pissed Angel and me both off. But when Mr. Pascal said "The Mexicans started that whole mess, and they killed a lot of people." Angel snapped. He stood up, punched Mr. Pascal in the face, and said "You wanna be a fucking racist, asshole , don't do it in my face!", and punched him a few more times. I think he also got a good kick in the gut. Obviously he got suspended for a while, and Mr. Pascal got fired on accounts of racism. I don't think I ever admired Angel more than I did then._

_Angel kept down low for a while after that, but, god it was so hilarious watching him try. Incidents like this one time in fourth grade were common. Angel and I were in the same class that year. We were studying double digit multiplication, when Angel got up and started ranting. "Why do we need to learn this? They're obviously trying to keep us busy so that we can't annoy them. If we need to do math, the calculators can do it for us! This cruel treatment of children needs to stop, before we become slave labor to society in its whole." All I could think was 'where did he learn that?' The several weeks of detention he got were actually where he learned to drum. It was impressive to say the least. Even back then though, Angel could be sweet. Still, that didn't mean he wasn't a total badass._

_It was the fourth week of the eighth grade, and I'd just gotten my very first boyfriend. To say I was thrilled would be an understatement. Angel was supportive, and that right there was enough to make me nervous. Angel had never been supportive in the seven years we'd been friends. I remember the confrontation to this day, it was the first time Angel and I had ever had a major fight. "Angel, I totally know something's up, tell me now." "I don't know what you mean, Meems." "Angel Dumott Schunard, you tell me right now, or I'll tell your parents about what you did at the mall last week." "Mimi Marquez, don't use my full name. I'm just keeping a close eye on your boyfriend over there." "Angel! You're spying on him?!" "I don't trust him, Mimi. He's bad news." "Stay out of it, Angel" We didn't talk to each other for the whole semester. That's when my boyfriend bumped me, and sure enough, Angel went and kicked his ass. After that, we'd never gotten into a fight like that again._

_High school was Angel's favorite time in school. I think it was because of all the pranks he pulled. Angel really enjoyed that. In fact, up in heaven, Angel's torn between laughing his ass off, and being really fucking pissed off at me for telling these stories. In fact, there's one story he strictly forbade me from telling anyone. But because Angel's dead, and can't do shit to me, I'm going to do it anyways._

_It was junior year, and Angel swore to me that he was going to change, and not be such an asshole to everybody else. Here's one little tip, never trust teenage boys, even if they are your best friends. At lunch one day, Angel pulled down his pants and underwear, climbed on the table, and began singing in a really loud voice._

**_Seven O'Clock in the evening  
Watchin somethin' stupid on TV  
I'm zoned out on the sofa  
When my wife comes in the room and sees me_**

**_She says "Is this 'Behind the Music'  
With Lynard Skynard?"  
And I say "I don't know.  
Say, it's gettin' late...watcha wanna do for dinner?_**

**_She says "I kinda had a big lunch.  
So I'm not super hungry."  
I said "Well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either  
But I could eat."_**

**_She said "So whadya have in mind?"  
I said "I don't know what about you?"  
She said "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat."  
I said "That's what we're gonna do!"_**

**_"But first you gotta tell me  
What it is you're hungry for!"  
And she says "Let me think...  
...What's left in our refridgerator?"_**

**_I said "Well, there's tuna, I know."  
She said "That went bad a week ago!"  
I said "Is the chili OK?"  
She said "You finished that yesterday!"_**

**_I hopped up and I said  
"I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?"  
She's like "Why would I want to eat liver?  
I don't even like liver!"_**

**_I'm like "No, I said 'delivered'."  
She's like "I heard you say liver!"  
I'm like "I should know what I said..."  
She's like "Whatever, I just don't want any liver!"_**

**_Well I was gonna say something  
But my cell phone started to ring  
Now who could be callin' me?  
Well I checked my caller ID_**

**_It was just cousin Larry  
Callin' for the third time today...  
My wife said "Let it go to voicemail."  
I said, "OK."_**

**_"Where were we? Oh, Dinner, Right  
So what d'ya want to do?"  
She said "Why don't you whip up somethin in the kitchen?"  
"Yeah," I said, "Why don't you?"_**

**_And then she said "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"  
I says "No"  
She says "Yes"  
I says "No"  
She says "Yes"  
I says "No"  
She says "Yes...  
...Oh, here's your keys"_**

**_I step a little bit closer  
Say "OK, where ya want to go?"  
She says "How about The Ivy?"  
I said "Yeah, well I don't know..."_**

**_I don't feel like gettin all dressed up  
And eatin' expensive food  
She's says "Olive Garden?"  
I say "Nah, I'm not in the mood..._**

**_...And Burrito King would make me gassy  
There's no doubt"  
She says "Just forget about it"  
I said "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"_**

**_Then I get an idea  
I says "I know what we'll do!"  
She says "What?"  
I say "Guess"  
She says "What?"  
I say "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"_**

**_So we head out the front door  
Open the garage door  
Then I open the car doors  
And we get in those car doors_**

**_Put my key in the ignition  
And then I turn it sideways  
Then we fasten our seat belts  
As we pull out the driveway_**

**_Then we drive to the drive-thru  
Heading off to the drive-thru  
We're approaching the drive-thru  
Getting close to the drive-thru!_**

**_Almost there at the drive-thru  
Now we're here at the drive thru  
Here in line at the drive-thru  
Did I mention the drive-thru?_**

**_Well here we are  
In the drive-thru line, me and her.  
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us.  
All just waiting to order_**

**_There's some idiot in a Volvo  
With his brights on behind me  
I lean out the window and scream  
"Hey, Whatcha tryin to do, blind me?"_**

**_My wife says "Maybe we should park...  
...We could just go eat inside."  
I said "I'm wearin' bunny slippers  
So I ain't leavin' this ride..."_**

**_Now a woman on a speaker box  
Is sayin' "Can I take your order, please?"  
I said "Yes indeed, you certainly can  
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese."_**

**_Then my wife says  
"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!  
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich  
Instead, this time"_**

**_I said "You always get a cheeseburger!"  
She says "That's not what I'm hungry for."  
I put my head in my hands and screamed,  
"I don't know who you are anymore!"_**

**_The voice on the speaker says  
"I don't have all day!"  
I said "Then, take our order,  
And we'll be on our way!_**

**_I wanna get a chicken sandwich  
And I want a cheeseburger, too  
She's like "You want onions on that?"  
I'm like "Yeah, I already said that I do..._**

**_...Plus we need curly fries  
And don't you dare forget it!  
And two medium root beers  
No, just one, we'll split it."_**

**_Then I said "I'm guessin' that  
You're probably not too bright...  
So read me back my order  
Let's make sure you got it right."_**

**_She says "One, you want a chicken sandwich.  
Two, you want a cheeseburger  
Three, curly fries, and a large root beer"  
"Stop, don't go no further!"_**

**_"I never ordered a large rootbeer  
I said medium, not large!"  
Then she says "We're havin' a special,  
I supersized you at no charge."_**

**_"Oh." And that's all  
I could say, was "Oh."  
And she says "Now there is somethin' else  
That I really think you should know._**

**_You can have unlimited refills  
For just a quarter more..."  
I say "Great, except we're in the drive thru...  
So what would I want that for?"_**

**_Then she says "Wait a minute  
Your voice sounds so familiar...hey, is this Paul?  
And my wife is all like "No, that ain't Paul,  
Now tell me, who's this Paul?_**

**_She says "Oh, he's just some guy  
Who goes to school with me.  
I sat behind him last year  
And I copied off him in Geometry._**

**_I said "I know a guy named Paul.  
He used to be my plumber  
He was prematurely bald  
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer._**

**_He also had bladder problems  
And a really bad infection on his toe."  
And she said "Mister, please, you can stop right there,  
That's way more than I needed to know!"_**

**_And then we both were quiet  
And things got real intense  
Then she says "Next window please,  
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents."_**

**_So we inched ahead in line  
Movin' painfully slow  
I got a little bored  
So I turned on the radio..._**

**_[Song plays]_**

**_[Click] Turned it off  
Because my wife was getting a headache  
So we both just sat there quietly  
For her sake._**

**_Then I looked at her  
And she looked back at me  
And I said "Um,  
I think you have somethin' in your teeth."_**

**_She turned away from me  
And then turned back and said "Did I get it?"  
I said "Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it...  
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it."_**

**_Then she said "How about now?"  
I said "Yeah, almost.  
There's still a little bit there  
But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast."_**

**_Now we're at the pay window  
Or whatever you call it  
Put my hand in my pocket  
I can't believe there's no wallet!_**

**_And the lady at the window's like,  
"Well, well that'll be five eighty two."  
I turn around to my wife, and say  
"How much have you got on you?"_**

**_She just rolls her eyes and says  
"I'll pay for this, I guess."  
So she reaches into her purse  
And pulls out the American Express_**

**_I hand it to the lady  
And she says "Oh, dear.  
It's gotta be cash only  
We don't take credit cards here."_**

**_I took back the card and said  
"Gee, really? Well that sucks."  
And that's when I found out  
My wife was only carryin' three bucks._**

**_I said "I thought you were  
Going to hit the ATM today"  
She says "I never got around to it  
So where's your wallet anyway?_**

**_And I said "Nevermind,  
Just help me to find some change..."  
Now the lady at the window  
Is lookin at me kinda strange..._**

**_And she says "Mister, please,  
We gotta move this line along"  
I said "Now hold your stinkin' horses lady,  
We won't be long."_**

**_We looked around inside the glove-box  
And check the mat beneath my feet  
I found a nickel in the ashtray  
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space betweent he seats_**

**_Before long I had a little pile  
Of coins of every sort  
The lady counts it up and says  
"You're still about a dollar short"_**

**_And now my woman's got this weird look  
Frozen on her face  
She screams, "you know  
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"_**

**_And so I turned around  
To the cashier again  
I shrugged and said "OK  
Forget the chicken sandwich then"_**

**_So I pick up my change  
Pick up my reciept  
And I drive to the pickup window  
Man, I just can't wait to eat_**

**_And now we see this acne ridden  
Kid about sixteen  
Wearin' a dorky nametag that says  
"Hello, my name is Eugene."_**

**_And he hands me a paper bag  
I look him in the eyes  
And I say to him "Hey, Eugene,  
Can I get some ketchup for my fries?"_**

**_Well he looks at me  
And I look at him  
And he looks at me  
And I look at him_**

**_And he looks at me  
And I look at him  
And he says "I'm sorry  
What did you want again?"_**

**_I say "Ketchup!"  
And he says "Oh yeah, that's right...  
...I just spaced out there for a second  
I'm really kind of burnt tonight."_**

**_And then he hands me the ketchup  
And now we're finally drivin' away  
And the food is drivin' me mad  
With its intoxicating bouquet_**

**_I'm starvin' to death  
By the time we pull up at the traffic light  
I say "Baby, gimme that burger,  
I just gotta have a bite!"_**

**_So she reaches in the bag  
And pulls out the burger  
And she hands me the burger  
And I pick up the burger_**

**_And then I unwrap the paper  
I bite into those buns  
And I just can't believe it  
They forgot the onions!_**

_His parents were so pissed at him, and THEY made him swear not to pull anymore shit like that. He went around, cussing them out for two weeks straight. Shortly after that, Angel decided that in order to change, we both needed to leave, so we packed up our things, and took the next bus to New York._

_Angel remained true to his word, surprisingly. Angel didn't THINK of pulling anymore shit like what he used to. I remember something Angel said shortly after he met Collins. "He's the one, Meems. I think God has finally forgiving me for stripping in the Cafeteria at Nimitz." Yeah, I was Angel's best friend. I know things about him that most people don't. I grew up with him, and that's why his death is so hard on me.'_

Sleep overtook me, finally. Tonight, no nightmares, just memories. Angel's face was the only thing I could see. I could feel his presence everywhere in my memories and in reality. Perhaps I was only imagining Angel, a figment of my twisted, high mind. But I wasn't, nobody could imagine love, and nobody could just imagine a pain like mine, growing deeper inside.

I now grow numb, I feel nothing at all. I eat, I sleep, I go to work. My friends worry, I know that. How can I possibly explain my emotions in a simple way that they could begin to comprehend? My reason for living is gone, and I only live because I'm dying anyways. Everyday I have to control myself in public so that I don't start sobbing; I have to be careful not to think his name because it breaks my numb charade. It's ironic, I'd sworn I'd never become like Mark, a numb shell. I feel myself becoming unable to go to Life Support, or anywhere Angel spent a significant amount of time. It's simple, really. I try to avoid that pain because I try not to be a masochist. Living has become a burden I bear each day, and I cannot wait until the virus relieves me.

Roger's gone to Santa Fe. I wanted to go there, but now, I laugh at his naivety, his inability to understand this misery. It's true, he did lose April. But he was going through withdrawal, and therefore, was most of the time ignorant. I, however, am fully conscious, and forever in mourning of my lost Angel. I suppose I wish he'd stayed, so that he could be with Mimi, but it was his choice, and I don't have the energy or passion to convince him to come back. After all, it was his choice, not mine.

Roger's returned. I can't gloat; I'm officially to numb to give a shit what he does. However, another trouble has sparked up. Mimi's gone missing. This troubles me, Mimi was Angel's best friend, and Roger's true love. I don't want him to have to go through this. Of course I care about Mimi, she's like a sister. But I've known Roger longer, and I worry about him. If she dies, I don't know how he would handle it. He may go back to smack, and none of us want that. My Angel wouldn't want that, and neither would Mimi, in the event that she dies.

Mimi's still missing, and some of us think she's dead. I'm going back on Christmas to officially join in the search, and to just in general help. I probably won't be able to handle it, and I'll end up leaving quickly, but not before I contribute in the search for Mimi. I really hope she's okay, because I don't want Roger to end up doing something stupid.

We found her; she'd been living on the streets. Roger was so relieved that we found her. She'd been dead for just a minute before she was revived. I felt a tiny spark of emotion, jealousy. Why should Mimi get to see my love again, but not me? It simply wasn't fair.

The effort to live has become too unbearable. Ending my life would be so easy, and the idea was so tempting. Angel would be angry, but Angel didn't have to deal with this pain, he just wouldn't really know. I'm the one who has to walk around and act like I'm all right, when god knows I'm the exact opposite.

The day has come. I acknowledge that my life had been good, up until a certain point. The knife blade is at my neck, I stab, then I'm gone, to spend eternity with my Angel.


End file.
